They say it gets better with time.. Im still waiting

Birth, Death. Beauty, Pain. 

A year ago I would have thought this post makes no sense, of course a lot changes in one year.

Does anybody know how long it takes to get better? No this isn’t rhetorical, seriously do you?

I would say how long it takes to mend a broken heart. But I fear its more than that.

To take on a relationship, an incorporation of your lifestyles, your future planned together.

Then its gone.Suddenly.Harshly. 

And nothing I do can bring him back. 

Its not just my heart that needs mending its my soul

They say it gets better with time but I’m still waiting.

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Im really too young to be feeling this old

Contemplating my life

Im not sure if I believe in karma, but I do believe what goes up must come down

Seems impossible not to:

The good and the bad

The beautiful and the ugly

The laughter and the tears

Why does it seem I take one step forward with my life only to take two back 

Is it cynical of me to constantly be prepared for the worst

Im really too young to be feeling this old

Live fast die young?

Having moved out of London to another city I loved the absolute freedom. No pressure of how one is expected to act in public, who I could be seen with or talk to, how I must dress and where I may go.

Though people said I was lucky. I disagreed. They didn’t understand the absolute torture of being controlled. How it would feel to crave your mothers affection rather than a bag of hair products. Your fathers love instead of a new car.

People had their families love, blessings, support and their wishes for your happiness. And they wanted nothing but a smile from you. I had money, gifts, clothes bags and shoes. At the cost of my life. Absolute control on who I was with, where what and why. Heaven forbid their daughter did something scandalous to ruin their reputations.

Live fast die young bad girls do it well?

So yes I went wild..

Haunted by my past

Reflecting on life and the decisions I have made

An extravagant lifestyle, a beautiful home

But the price I have paid no one else knows.

Sleepless nights and in constant doubt

Trying to accept I was young and a tough decision was made

But a mothers love should be unconditional

In this regard I evidently failed.

Life taken before its time

Simultaneous joy and fear

Unacceptable consequences from a forbidden relationship

I gave up my seed.

Be careful what you wish for..

The term ‘love of my life’ is frequently used. I make no such mistake. Instead I shall say ‘crush of my life’.

Growing up in my household as the youngest daughter, with an over protective father and brother- relationships were not permitted. Being so sheltered from the ‘big bad world’ I attended a single sex high school and sixth form, seldom meeting random young males (that they knew). Instead I was attending social functions with children of the approved company, circles of families with similar status: usually generations old family friends or business partners.

Enter: Harry

Harrys grandfather fought alongside my own in WWII. Our grandmothers instantly bonded through fear and hope. Our mothers were born at roughly the same time and were childhood best friends. My earliest memory of Harry is when I was roughly 6 and he was 10. He was a fat child, rude and spoilt. And he became my crush.

My family live in Central London, his stayed in Windsor. I seldom saw him in my daily life. Apart from weddings, engagements, parties, charity events, auctions. There were many. And yet I was invisible to him. The distance and lack of communication (non existent apart from my fantasies) forced me to move on, though I was wishing for the day he would notice me.

There’s a reason they say be careful what you wish for..

Finally we saw each other on a night out, and after his initial shock I was delighted when he picked me up and spun me around. Needless to say I felt like the luckiest girl in the world, despite his large belly and arrogant way of talking. After a few drinks and introductions to his friends I was planning our future together. And then of course reality struck when he excused himself to introduce himself to the girl at the bar.

Accepting that is who he is, I invented one of my many catchphrases: such is life.

We continued to run into each other on random occasions, always with another new girl draped across his arm. And life continued as normal..

I cannot say when exactly things changed but it was within the past year. We exchanged numbers at an auction and started to talk. He had become a gym fanatic and gone was the fat kid I crushed on, instead I was faced with a muscled toned tanned dapper man.

After agreeing to dinner, which I insisted was not a date, we had a lovely evening laughing and joking. We then returned to his family house where his mother and grandmother were waiting for our arrival. After a nice catch up with the two beautiful women I excused myself to go home, with a few cheeky winks from his mother and an extra hug from his grandmother.

Though it was perfect to me, after a few days the contact was lost. Desperate not to make a fool of myself I accepted it was over before it began when I would receive one word answers. Heartbroken but such is life. We continued with our separate lives, me wishing one day it would actually happen and work.

And of course again be careful what you wish for..

So honestly I don’t recall how we started talking again, but we did. And this time it was different. We discussed life, decisions, regrets, future ambitions and who we are as people. Within a week I was totally truly consumed by thoughts of him.

After continuously babbling about him to the ‘girlfriends’ they demanded a meeting which I happily set up. Us girls and himself. Needless to say one of the worst decisions of my life. The night ended with me fuming inside at the fact he flirted shamelessly with my friend Sarah, and livid she initiated the sexual flirting and played along. Three days later they entered a relationship.

Now a normal person would have cut ties with both and moved on? Well no, Of course I didn’t. Ever the hero I told him shes amazing and I’m happy for him. When she rang I said of course you’ll be great together. Attempting to hold on to him however I could I tried to remain in contact as friends. Only to have her answer his phone constantly and my messages to be ignored. I accepted that such is life.

Attending his sisters baby shower, I was nervous how to face him but determined to act ok and try to salvage what I could of our friendship. As my car entered their driveway imagine my shock when I saw Sarah and Harry together standing at the door greeting guests. Within three weeks she had achieved what I couldn’t in my lifetime. I’m not sure what was worse: the pity on his familys face who knew how I felt, the smug look on her face or the complete blank look on his, Slightly awkward.

And then they break up. Five months roughly I believe. I received calls from Sarah crying about how he had cheated, humiliated her and how could I have set her up with an animal like him. A call from him saying nothing apart from he was ringing to see how I was and a general catch up. After raising the topic of the break up he told me she was a psycho, a bitch and he had a sex tape which he would expose if she continued to call and harass him.

Should I be happy at this point?

Again I met Harry at a dinner party before we all headed to a club. He decided it was okay for him to tell everyone he was going to marry me, in two or three years, after he had lived his life and had his fun. Though I laughed and called him a drunken fool, inside a ray of hope was shining (though thinking logically a normal person would be angry or offended). Ofcourse reality sank in when he left the club with yet another woman. I found myself wishing he would hate me so we would never talk or be in contact, just so this vicious circle would be broken.

This has happened several times. Each ends with him leaving with a random woman and me getting extremely drunk. Except for last time.

Intoxicated though not blindly drunk I was with my flatmates in our lounge when Harrys friend Michael called. Also from Windsor he needed somewhere to stay and asked if he could come to mine, I agreed and he stayed the night with me. Brunch the next day with Harry and Michael was awkward to say the least, more so thanks to my exposed neck.

When he pointed out my neck he laughed initially until he realized the culprit was sitting opposite him. Without saying anything directly against the incident he proceeded to tell me to go for a check up as I now possibly had an STD which Michael laughed off. I didn’t find this as funny, though I acted indifferent and pointed out you would need to have intercourse, which we didn’t.

They left soon after: Michael with smiles and hugs, Harry as if I had committed a crime.

For so long I have wished for Harrys attention and affection. I then wished for his hatred to finally break this cycle were only I am hurt. Really I should be careful what I wish for. I now seem to have his attention and his hatred, without the cycle being broken.

Shouldn’t I follow my own advice. Accept a man cannot treat a woman like this and her accept it. Is it my own fault? Having given him the liberty to so easily play with my feelings and manipulate the way I live my life, is he to blame? Or have I somehow become that crazy delusional girl, he made no promises no commitments. Maybe I have just invented a scenario in my own warped brain where I believe he cares or owes me something.

I really should be careful what I wish for.

Truth hurts but Lies heal?

Sitting in bed writing this post I can’t help but wonder whether this is the right choice to make?

Having always refused to keep a diary for the fear of secrets and lies being discovered, I am now making the decision to start a public blog on the internet?

So maybe no one is interested, maybe the injustices I feel I have suffered are not important socially, nevertheless I shall keep this blog. This will be my form of opening my soul. They do say the truth hurts but them lies heal.